the diggs. and some cleaning out my thoughts.

i decided to start writing this because i dont know who to talk to anymore. my whole life i've always and forever had my mom at a moments notice. she wore her cell phone on her when i wasnt with her. she would wake up at 3am for me. step out of movies/dinner/meetings. the only times she wouldnt answer were if she was on an airplane. and i think that happened less than 5 times that i wasnt with her. so as my heart yearns for her support, yearns for her ear, her touch, her hug, im searching for new ways to find her. i'm writing this blog to have somewhere to put the things i need to get out. and hopefully some of you will read it. and maybe help me through this. this is by far the biggest challenge that has been thrown my way. and i pray that its the biggest that will ever be given to me. i dont even want to know what would come bigger, i really really dont. so hey universe, just fyi - this is enough - dont need any bigger challenges - just, you know, letting you know im good with this one. its bazaar how my feelings come like waves. sometimes random waves, now and then, but more often its like a clear calm ocean, then all of a sudden a set or two comes in. and sometimes i have my board ready, but usually, lately, i dont. thought, mind, that rambling thing that creates things like fear and regret, thats the death of me. and i want no more of it. looking at pictures is hard. going through her jewelry is, i dont even know what. being in florida, in this house, without her, is insane. but my little sister is the only immediate family i have left. cause apparently my dad is a snake. i cant even believe the things he's done, up until the last days. it makes me want to... well, make it right! and im gonna try to figure out how to. at least give it a shot. for my mom. because it's about respect. and honoring my mom. thats what its about. and it hurts me when someone like, oh, oh yea, my DAD, makes it about MONEY!!!! what the fuck. i just want to dance. anyone out there want to dance with me? i want to dance with you. grab my hand anytime we're together, lets dance.