when you

feel all alone

and a loyal friend

is hard to find

you call it a 

one

way

street

with the monsters 

in your head

when hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you cant face

the day

let me be the one you call if you jump ill break your fall lift you up and fly away with you into the night 

if you need to fall apart i can mend your broken heart and if you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone

youre

not 

alone...

brain <3 moon

and then there was nothing, just the pulsing of my brain, all i could see, all i could feel, the amazing pulsing of my brain... 

outside, within moments, the clouds parted, and the moon appeared... somehow, here, it is always there, sometimes it just takes a second to realize i am too

leave behind this half life

it takes so much out of me to pretend

tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, i need to see the daylight

to leave behind this half-life

dont you see im breaking down

someone asked me to write a bit about myself and what attracted me to egypt (where im going in a few weeks) and this is what came out, i thought it wo

uld be fun to post :) here it is!

in notes... because i dont know how to paste into a post...

family

my cousin mentioned this thing we call "family" yesterday. it's so funny how we label people. 

...ok so, you provided the uterus, and you provided the sperm, thus you are the mom and you and the dad. this is your son, thus you are the parents. these are your roles - go!...

hahahahahaha... HA! i love it. it's this huge comedy. why is god laughing? he gets the joke. he gets the comedy. why aren't all of us laughing? good question.

family family family... someone said to me "this is a crappy word" - i think it's a beautiful word, it's the definition that could use a little buffing. or a little editing. or a little remembering. or a little unlearning. i'll continue this, but wow, right now, im starving.

... i think as far as the dictionary goes, the hippies of the sixties got the closest...

2.1.09. i had my first panic attack last night. im kind of over crying in mass amounts, because i'm not crazy about how it makes my face feel.

a little is good tho. (i ran out of room in "title")

i dont care about blood.

i dont care what your name is. 

i dont care what we call you.

i dont care what you call me.

i dont care what the psych books say about you.

i dont care what others say about you.

i dont care about the things i "know" about you.

i dont care about the things i dont.

i care about the experiences ive had with you. 

i care about the energies you've presented to me, since the moment we met. 

i care about the words you've spoken to, of, and around me, since the moment we met.

i never liked history, but now i see its purpose.

the purpose of history is to help you in the present.

its memory.

its energetics.

its knowledge.

your personal history is so important.

its important to live in the moment, it totally sucks not to.

AND living in the moment does not mean forgetting your past. it means being aware of your past so you can live fully, joyously, without getting hurt. 

nothing is on accident.

everything has a purpose.

every word that has ever been spoken, has a purpose.

every action, every look, every moment matters.

now, this does not mean to forget about forgiveness.

this means, to forgive but not to forget. 

forgiveness is not the key to happiness.

forgetting is not the key to happiness.

forgiving and remembering together, are vital for happiness. not "the key", i dont think theres one key, thatd be silly, but vital vital elements.

i forgive everyone of you for anything you've ever done that i took in as less than beautiful or that you put out as less than beautiful. it was a moment, or two, or a million, and i remember, but i forgive you. 

do you know what forgiveness means?

instead of putting my definition, i'll let you ponder it, its more fun, more unlearning that way ;)

i don't act with mal intent. in general. ok fine i have before. but i cant see myself doing that now. i see all of this like a game. or a play. and some people have said screw the script i'm improving all the way - some keep to their role completely, and of course others scatter in between. some consciously do these things, some unconsciously. some think they're conscious but aren't. some dont even know what the term "conscious" means, but they are, and live it, breathe it. some people dont know what to say and some people say A LOT and some people have really great intentions and some people dont. and everything in between. i dont care where you fall. its your perogative. it has nothing to do with me. what does have to do with me is how i respond to you. the way i respond to you is with full intent of 100% taking care of me. what is "me"? 

now this is kyna we're talking to, maybe "we" means all living things, maybe "we" means the dirt and the caterpillars and the bins under my sink 'cause she's all into that "oneness" thing

bitch - of course that's the way she responds - it's always alllll about kyna

that makes sense, that's the way i respond to things, what does she mean what does "me" mean? isn't that obvious? why does she have to explain herself? she does that, always wants an explanation...

i totally get that. gosh she's brilliant.

what the heck is she even talking about?

boring

awesome

these are some responses i can think of that others may put out there... based on my past discussions... 

so now... what is "me"... the objective case of "I"? what is "I"? the nominative singular pronoun used by someone referring to him or herself? or is "I" the "ego"? what the heck is the "ego"? all these terms. "big", loaded words we use? or simple, so so simple words that we make big and loaded? complex? rudimentary? lets think... what is "me"?

Dear God,

What does "trust" mean?

Love,

Kyna

Family? Friends?

So, we hear these words, "family", "friends"... but what do these words really mean. Can you go to the dictionary and function from the assumption that whenever these words are used it means whats there in black and white? Well, I'm 21, and haven't ever looked these up, but have used them quite frequently. I think these words are like the word "love". And that we should talk about what it means to us. What do friends mean to me? What does family mean to me? I bet if everyone were to think about this, and share it, there would be a lot of similar words involved, but I also bet there would be quite a few different interpretations of the words, just as many as there are with "love" (which I've been investigating for a few months now, and WOW, do people come up with some interesting things!) More on this later, time to call my Aunt ;)

the title

Kyna means "wise one"

Lucile (my mom's name, and my middle name) means "bringer of the light"

I want an outlet for my process.

A place to write what i remember of my mom. All that she shared with me. And I want to share it with whoever wants to read it.

These are the purposes of this space, as far as I know right now. <3

the diggs. and some cleaning out my thoughts.

i decided to start writing this because i dont know who to talk to anymore. my whole life i've always and forever had my mom at a moments notice. she wore her cell phone on her when i wasnt with her. she would wake up at 3am for me. step out of movies/dinner/meetings. the only times she wouldnt answer were if she was on an airplane. and i think that happened less than 5 times that i wasnt with her. so as my heart yearns for her support, yearns for her ear, her touch, her hug, im searching for new ways to find her. i'm writing this blog to have somewhere to put the things i need to get out. and hopefully some of you will read it. and maybe help me through this. this is by far the biggest challenge that has been thrown my way. and i pray that its the biggest that will ever be given to me. i dont even want to know what would come bigger, i really really dont. so hey universe, just fyi - this is enough - dont need any bigger challenges - just, you know, letting you know im good with this one. its bazaar how my feelings come like waves. sometimes random waves, now and then, but more often its like a clear calm ocean, then all of a sudden a set or two comes in. and sometimes i have my board ready, but usually, lately, i dont. thought, mind, that rambling thing that creates things like fear and regret, thats the death of me. and i want no more of it. looking at pictures is hard. going through her jewelry is, i dont even know what. being in florida, in this house, without her, is insane. but my little sister is the only immediate family i have left. cause apparently my dad is a snake. i cant even believe the things he's done, up until the last days. it makes me want to... well, make it right! and im gonna try to figure out how to. at least give it a shot. for my mom. because it's about respect. and honoring my mom. thats what its about. and it hurts me when someone like, oh, oh yea, my DAD, makes it about MONEY!!!! what the fuck. i just want to dance. anyone out there want to dance with me? i want to dance with you. grab my hand anytime we're together, lets dance.